Although she acknowledged that she would probably be happier without him, she was not able to muster the strength to leave.Īs experienced mental health professionals, we had a hard time accepting that a sophisticated, intelligent woman such as Tamara had become so derailed from her usual self. Most of the time she was either waiting for a call from Greg or was too worried about the relationship to enjoy spending time with us as she had done in the past. Her vitality gave way to anxiousness and insecurity. We were happy at first to see Tamara meet someone new whom she was excited about, but as the relationship unfolded, we became increasingly concerned over her growing preoccupation with Greg. Most of the time my thoughts were directed at him. I became so preoccupied with the relationship that I stopped seeing my friends and had a hard time functioning at work. But then the strangest thing happened-we did fall in love, but the closer we got, the more he pushed me away. I believed that if he really fell in love with me, he’d want to stick around. I figured that Greg was just not ready for a relationship at the time and that he hadn’t met the right person for him. Several times he’d mentioned that he’d never had a stable relationship-that for some reason he always grew tired of his girlfriends and felt the need to move on. He said things like, “You can call me any time you like.” If I’d only listened carefully, I could have easily heard another message that was incongruent with this promise. But what I found most enticing were his words and an implicit promise of togetherness that he conveyed. A few days later we went out for dinner with some other people, and I couldn’t resist the glimmer of excitement in his eyes when he looked at me.

Tarcher, a member of the Penguin Group USA. Reprinted from Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep-Love, by Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S.

Amir levine rachel heller